Work

So, I've really been hating my life when I am at work or thinking about my job, and lately have been bringing up the possibility of killing myself with my fellow employees.  This is what I have come up with so far.

I would like to hollow out my eye sockets and insert explosives to see what kind of results I get.  My coworker, Craig, showed great enthusiasm in helping me with such a task.

I am constantly telling Amy, a cashier, that I want to shoot myself in the face.  She has been making jokes about it lately, as if she thinks it's a laughing matter.  She's right.

I just told Cassie, another cashier, that I'd like to be in an accident that would leave me paralyzed, preventing me from coming back to work.

My friend, Deanna, told me the other day that she worries about me sometimes.  I asked her what she meant by that, and she claimed I was self-destructive.  She's the only one who doesn't seem to get that it's a joke.  I've never really done anything to hurt myself intentionally.  I've never shot myself in the face or hollowed out my eyes.  It is nice to have someone care enough to consider the possibilities instead of just laughing though.

I heard on a program on The History Channel about Abraham Lincoln that the former president would often threaten to hang himself from a tree in the White House lawn when someone was doing something to piss him off.  That is why he is my favorite president.

The nice thing about living is that, no matter how bad things get, there is always a way out.



A couple of days later...

After writing my blog entry, I thought it made me sound a little weird, but I've just started watching Harold and Maude for the first time.  The movie really seems to speak my language, as I was quickly hooked into the movie by Harold's constant suicides.  I recently told someone at work that if it weren't for wedding receptions, I would strongly prefer funerals.  And goddamn, here I am watching a movie about a young man with the same feelings about shit.  I feel like in a way, I am the creative force behind this movie and should have a check coming in the mail from Paramount Pictures.

Captain Hook

I've come up with a new sense for submission to the branch of government that considers new senses:whichever branch takes care of such matters.

The new sense I speak of is the sense of magnetism.  I believe this would come in handy in certain situation and be nothing more than an annoyance for the greater part of people's lives.

The most obvious advantage to this is always being able to tell what direction one is walking sometimes.  This will come in handy when people are trying to find their way back to their cars after they've gotten drunk and lost their phones with GPS.

Secondly, it will be good for detecting things that magnetic shit could detect, like signals and shit. You know what I'm talking about.

The annoying part is that this sense will come right from the brain's core, leaving people susceptible to death from opposing magnetic forces flying at the head.  This makes this somewhat similar to walking backwards.  Walking backwards wasn't really all that fun, yet people would typically feel a sense of danger from doing it.  Having magnetic powers might be a little fun, but the fun likely won't last, and there will remain a need for caution while walking around, doing shit.

Bodies might also be capable of sending and receiving cell phone signals.  I say might because I don't really know how anything works.  Do cell phones use magnets?  Probably. It's not something anyone can really know for sure.

When people go to the grocery store, they will have an easier time finding the right foods to give them plenty of iron in their diets.  They simply buy the foods that stick to them.  They will also get plenty of nickel and cobalt.

On the plus side, people will be far less likely to die from natural causes.

On the other plus side, people will be far more likely to die quick, unnatural deaths.

Everybody wins.